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It’s been said that wolves attack the lone sheep. And while it isn’t pleasant to think of yourself or your other as a wolf, the reality is, we’re all capable.
This is why it’s vital to invite others into your relationship.
The Problem
You’d think that if one of you were a wolf, preying on the other, that the victim would end the relationship. But that’s not always the case. When you really like someone, it’s like a drug. It numbs you to any pain you’re feeling. Your heart is slowly being mutilated but you don’t even feel it.
The people you bring into the relationship who love you and want to see you honor God won’t let this happen. They see the claw marks, the blood, the bruises. And they’ll help you—if you let them. Sometimes that’s the hardest part. Because you want the relationship to work. You want to keep taking the drug until the wolf stops attacking and everything gets better.
But this only ends in disaster.
You need to ask the people you invite into your relationship to help you even when you’d rather take the drug. You need to recruit an honest team of people who truly care about the outcome of your relationship.
You need to ask the people you invite into your relationship to help you even when you’d rather take the drug. You need to recruit an honest team of people who truly care about the outcome of your relationship.
Recruit a support team
Tell them your desire to (1) mirror Jesus in your relationship, (2) save your other— and ultimately yourself—from yourself; and (3) do what it takes to keep yourself pure.
Tell them that you want to talk, text, or email on a set schedule so the two of you can openly talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of the relationship. Give these loved ones permission to speak with you vulnerably about anything and everything they’re observing in you and in the relationship.
Tell them that you want to talk, text, or email on a set schedule so the two of you can openly talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of the relationship. Give these loved ones permission to speak with you vulnerably about anything and everything they’re observing in you and in the relationship.
How to make the support effective
Be humble. Make it easy for them to help you. Because if the moment arises where they need to confront you, a part of you will resist.
I encourage you to say something like, Listen, I know I’m going to be tempted to lie to you when I screw up. I don’t want to do that. So please, ask me all the hard questions—even ask me straight up if I’ve lied to you in any way. Twice if you have to.
You need to be vulnerable to bring others into your relationship. In doing so, you’re saying, I know how capable I am of sinning against my other—would you please help me avoid that?
You need to be vulnerable to bring others into your relationship. In doing so, you’re saying, I know how capable I am of sinning against my other—would you please help me avoid that?
Be careful who you choose for your team
These aren’t words you’d say to just anyone. You need to find someone who is wise, discerning, keeps secrets, and doesn’t freak out or come unglued by brutal honesty. And, most importantly, someone whose only agenda is to honor God.
One of the reasons couples become dangers to each other is because they like each other so much that they’d rather be exclusive. Obviously it’s important to reserve time for lots of private conversations as you get to know each other. But that can easily turn into an exclusive relationship that cuts out friends and family. Don’t let this happen.
In cutting others out, you not only hurt people who love you, but you open the door to becoming a wolf.
As Proverbs 15:22 reminds us, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.”
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